Jokes

A mental hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office."Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.""Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

We have new babies
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Delivering a baby
A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby."Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

Entering into Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"The man says, "Methodist."St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?""Baptist.""Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?""Jewish.""Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

Sue over the property
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before."Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!""Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil."I'll sue you if I have to," answered God."Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Computers are female
The top six reasons computers must be female:6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.